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10 Reasons Relationships Fail and How to Succeed
The most common reasons given for the failure of relationships are sex, money and time. Usually it is a combination of these and other factors that result in divorce or termination. Although the divorce rate has decreased slightly in recent years, this can largely be attributed to more people choosing to live together instead of getting married. And of those who live together there is a higher “turnover rate” than that of married couples. So if you’re looking for a lasting relationship, marriage is still the gold standard. Listed below are the top ten reasons why relationships fail. By becoming aware of the warning signs and making the necessary changes you will have a better chance of making it to “happily ever after.”
1. Lost that Loving Feeling – When we first meet someone we are attracted to we are under the influence of a powerful cocktail of sex hormones. First you are hit with a burst of testosterone and estrogen that create that initial “he/she hot”. Then we hit with increased levels of the neurotransmitters adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin. And if it is not sufficiently prepared for the surge of attachment hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. So what does all this have to do with why relationships fail? Well, basically for anywhere from 12 to 24 months you are hijacked by your hormones and lost in that “love feeling”. When the hormone levels return to normal, (which unfortunately they always do) couples start to see all the little imperfections in their partner. Partners may begin to feel more like roommates or even adversaries than lovers. The special one who made us “so happy” now seems to be the target of our indifference or frustrations. We begin to hold each other accountable for our needs, wants and desires. We tend to stop putting energy and effort into pleasing each other and we become more and more aware of our unmet needs from childhood which usually leads to blaming, nagging, pushing away and looking for other sources of gratification. This is where awareness, knowledge, communication and dedication to your relationship come into play. There are ways to increase your “love hormones” and get that “Love Feeling” back.
2. Poor Communication – 55% of all communication is through body language. So those arms crossed, body turned away, avoiding eye contact, tense muscles, pursed lips, raised eyebrows, etc. Learn to be aware of the messages you send and receive from your partner. The tone, speed and volume of your voice account for 35% of communication. That extra pause you take before answering or the slightly raised or low voice, as well as “that tone” all speak volumes to your partner. Only 10% of communication is based on the words you are actually speaking to your partner. The first step is to know how to communicate at all three levels and learn some simple techniques to mirror, validate and empathize with your partner. When couples stop talking and become distant or start attacking and blaming without ever resolving the issues, the relationship begins to break down. We all want to feel heard, know that we make sense and that we are understood.
3. Financial issues – Money matters, but often not in the ways that couples think it can. There is some truth in the old saying “It’s with the golden rules”, so rule with kindness. Money can create control, power struggles, and resentment in relationships. Often, however, it’s not so much about the money spent, but about understanding other people’s attachment and feelings around money. And yes, we all have a strong, even primal, feeling for money. So, if you are a Saver and your partner is a Spender, you may feel that your partner’s spending is an assault on you. Instead of realizing that you and your partner may have a very different relationship with money, individuals often feel that their partner does not care about their feelings – their need for security, or their need to enjoy life via that new car, dress or sumptuous. nice dining experience. Couples are in trouble when they start skipping purchases, hiding from each other or sneaking money behind their partner’s back. Over time, it becomes easier and easier to justify these small acts/deceptions that will ultimately break the trust in your relationship. It is important that couples discuss and learn about each other’s spending styles and then create a budget that embraces the styles of both partners. It is recommended that couples create a joint main account that both allocate money for all the basics and mutual activities together. We also suggest that each partner has their own individual account to honor their need to save or spend.
4. Lack of Time – Quality Time that is. In this day and age of high-tech communication, more and more couples find themselves working longer hours, working from or while at home, and during evenings and weekends. Couples often complain about their partner spending too much time answering emails, texting and chatting with each other, while they are supposedly spending “quality time” together. Whether we are addicted to work, technology or the introduction of children to marriage, the time that was spent with our partner is now behind us. Initially, our partner was our number one priority and we spent a lot of time with them and thinking about them. As they say “Show me where you spend your time and money and I’ll tell you what’s important to you.” Without quality time together, couples increasingly grow apart. Make time for your relationship. Schedule mutually enjoyable activities at the top of your “to do list” and do them regularly.
5. Sexual affair – Sex. Not having, not having enough, having with someone else or even something else, namely the internet, causes major problems in relationships. The bottom line is that a sexless marriage represents deeper unresolved issues in the relationship. If you have sexual problems in your relationship you are not alone: more than 50% of couples report having sexual problems and about 15% of couples report having sexless relationships. Most relationships with sexual problems eventually end in divorce. Therefore, unless you want to be fighting for the one who receives the fine china, it is important to stop avoiding this elephant in the room and discuss it with your partner or seek help if you feel too uncomfortable.
6. Marrying too Young – Women who marry before the age of 25 are twice as likely to divorce than women who marry after the age of 25. in life They also have better communication skills and tend to be more established in their careers. If you are under 25 and you have met that special one, not everything is doomed. It is important that, as you mature as a couple, you face life’s problems and goals as they come and make adjustments to your relationship as a couple.
7. Loss of respect and admiration – When couples stop admiring and start treating each other with disrespect, the relationship slowly erodes. Spiteful words, names and character attacks have long lasting, if not irreversible, consequences on the relationship. Like a wall that is built one brick at a time every unfair argument and cutting word builds a barrier of mistrust, resentment and anger in the relationship. If couples stop showing respect and admiration for each other what are they left with? We all want to be respected and admired and when we are not, we shut down and walk away. After years of verbal abuse, most couples call it quits. It is important that couples learn to fight fairly by expressing their feelings without attacking and blaming their partner. It is important that you ask for what you need in the relationship and listen to what your partner needs. We often take our partners admirable traits for granted. Couples need to continue to admire each other and voice their admiration every day.
8. Opposites Attract and Butt Heads – Yes, many of us are initially attracted to people who are different from ourselves. If we are a little shy, we love his exuberant outgoing personality, however, this love and admiration for differences, can turn into an annoying misunderstanding of his personality. We can find ourselves saying things like: “Why can’t they calm down and stop talking to someone who will listen.” If we are outgoing and free-spirited, we may initially love their responsible and stable attitude, but then feel controlled and defensive. Unfortunately, this initial attraction later sets the stage for many of our problems with our partner. Different values, different ideas of how to live our lives quickly leads to anger, defensiveness and the slow fracture of love. When you find yourself attracted and finally in love with an opposite, realize that this is what drew you to this person. It is important to look a little deeper. Why are you shy and what does it mean if you are the life of the party? Or if you’re wild and unimaginative, what does it mean to have boundaries and structure? It is also important to look at these differences and understand that they add spice and or balance to your life and appreciate them.
9. Poor Boundaries with the Extended Family – whether it’s in-laws, siblings, stepchildren, ex-husbands or your children, they all come into play when it comes to creating stress in your relationship. Being able to take time for yourself as a couple, minus the other members of your family is crucial to support a loving relationship. Supporting each other as a couple and as a united front, rather than letting in-laws or children over your partner is an important part of keeping respect alive. As children are “bundles of joy” many studies show that childless couples are happier. Now that is not to say that children are not a “blessed gift”. That is to say they add stress to the relationship. Establishing boundaries for your relationship, such as standing up for your partner and agreeing on the methods of discipline used for your child or children, will keep your relationship strong and resilient. The best relationships look like a pyramid with the “happy bride and groom” at the top.
10. Substance and Alcohol Abuse- These can destroy relationships one drink, one pill or one puff at a time. Addiction to any substance will be a distraction from true intimacy and romance. Unfortunately, the abuser is more in love with the substance than his partner. If the abuse continues, and the sober partner stops, the feelings of resentment and anger become toxic, and possibly irreversible to the relationship. Standing by your partner while they are engaged in substance abuse, sets the precedent for how other dynamics will play out in the partnership. When a person is high, they live in two different realities that never really connect. Asking your partner to seek help for their addiction, setting boundaries and setting timelines for recovery builds respect for yourself and your relationship.
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