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How To Manage Guilt When Mourning the Death of a Loved One
Do you feel remorse because you believe you did something wrong or were inadequate to meet the circumstances surrounding the death of your loved one? Although not everyone who is grieving experiences guilt, it is a fairly common experience.
Guilt comes in many forms when grieving. There are numerous failures in relationships that result in guilt. Not recognizing the seriousness of an illness early, not taking a loved one to the right emergency room, not feeling bad enough, not intervening in a stronger way when the care seems to be inadequate, feeling that he should visit more often , not doing what the other wanted to do, and the list can go on.
Here are some things to consider about guilt and some suggestions for dealing with it. You can reduce its effects and survive.
1. Never forget: it is almost impossible to love someone and after his death can not find something to feel guilty about. We all review our relationship with our loved one, and if we had the opportunity to do it, we would quickly change some of the things we did or did not do. Much of this current radical response has to do with the way we have been raised and conditioned by culture.
2. The most frequent type of guilt I see with the bereaved is what has been called illegitimate or neurotic guilt. That is, feelings of guilt are out of proportion to the cause. Beliefs such as, “I should have stopped smoking” or “I wasn’t there when he died like I said I would be” or “Because I was spared and had to die” are mainly forms of neurotic guilt. (as are all those above in the Introduction). And most of us are in this kind of thinking after the death of a loved one.
3. Some people are more guilty than others. Sometimes in early life you may have done something that you did not do as a child that has stayed with you until today. Anything similar to the original act is considered wrong and you have to feel guilty for it. If there is something in your background that has been a perpetual source of guilt, go to a professional counselor for assistance. It can be seen in a new light.
4. The real cause and effect guilt is to have omitted or committed something that you know was wrong. It could be morally, socially or ethically wrong. Rational guilt helps us maintain the things that make a society stable. Without it we would not be able to relate well with others, study, do an honest day job, or obey the laws. It helps prevent us from straying too far into negative or wrong choices. It is the guardian of civilization, which regulates individual and social behavior.
5. Don’t confuse shame with guilt. Sometimes the mourners are ashamed of the way they responded to a crisis or the type of death (suicide, alcoholism, etc.). This shame means that you feel like a bad person because of your response or because of the nature of the situation. And it is totally false. Guilt generally has to do with your behavior or a lack of it, make sure you focus on what you should have done or didn’t do, and not on the blame. Your conversation is crucial in this regard. Tell yourself that you did the best you could in that time. Stop talking with the language of guilt.
6. Evaluate your behavior with this word: deliberate. With most of the guilt generated in mourning, like others, you did not deliberately set out to inflict pain or suffering or contribute to the circumstances surrounding the death. As you look back now with hindsight, it’s easy to say you should have done this or that. You are not omnipotent: you have not realized all the possible scenarios that could evolve. No one can.
7. Pretend that a friend has come to you because of his guilt – which is exactly the same as yours. Carefully consider what you say after hearing all the details. Be thorough. You are the judge and jury and you need to hear your friend talk honestly about his guilt. At this time, be open to hearing about anger, negative feelings towards the deceased, and/or the need for self-punishment, all of which can fuel guilt. Now turn it around, and apply your advice to yourself and make every effort to follow it.
And if you haven’t asked your friend this question, ask now: “Did you do what you think should have been done at that time?” Of course you did. So start working on diverting your attention when those neurotic guilt thoughts start to return – focusing on all the good things you’ve done for your loved one. This is everyday work. Try to follow your advice to your friend for at least three whole days and you will be surprised by the results.
8. Examine the beliefs you hold that support your guilt and reclaim the guidelines you live by. Face your guilt by putting it to a rational test. What beliefs support your guilty thoughts? Something you learned from a parent, or from your church, or from new age thinking? Wrong teachings can wreak havoc for life.
Women, for example, are brought up to believe – unrealistically – that they are responsible for everything. Even the behavior of others. They are especially sensitive to the ravages of false guilty feelings. Do you have unreasonable expectations of yourself? Do you really feel guilty?
9. What if your guilt is rational and true? The key to finding peace is to find a way to make amends and say you’re sorry. It is the only way to freedom. Find a quiet place and talk to the person who died. Tell him how you feel and that you are donating some time and/or treasure to make repairs or complete a project. The deceased already knows that you tried to do your best. If your guilt involves a living relative or friend, apologize again, ask for forgiveness and offer to make some form of reparation. So work on forgiving yourself as you put it behind you.
Outside of the grieving process, and even within it, guilt is one of the most pervasive emotions we have to deal with. So much guilt is falsely induced to mourn by dubious beliefs, rules, and the influence of negative and conflicting precepts. Learn all you can about it, intervene early, and remember that it is a normal human emotion and in most cases necessary.
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