37 Which Would Be Considered An Example Of Person-First Language True Love And Chemistry: Exploring Myth And Reality

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True Love And Chemistry: Exploring Myth And Reality

When you think about the qualities found in a true “soul mate” relationship, what one word comes up most often at the top of your list?

Is it CHEMICAL? Probably.

Just the mention of this term evokes powerful feelings and images for anyone who has ever been in or sought a love relationship. It is often described as a feeling that leaves you breathless, excited and weak in the knees. Palms sweat, heart pounds and body tightens with nervous anticipation.

It is believed by almost everyone that true love cannot exist without chemistry. Therefore, the conclusion that most lovers have come to is that if they experience these intense feelings towards someone, they have the basis for an ideal and lasting relationship.

Right? Maybe not. Because this definition of chemistry is limited to the physical response to another person. It lacks a whole dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personality and worldview

To know that you have the right connection with a potential (or existing) partner, it is important to have a basic understanding of what real chemistry consists of, instead of just embracing the myths that surround it. This can be difficult to do. This intense, physical passion is the stuff that Oscar-winning movies and best-selling books are made of. So, step back for a minute and see if you recognize yourself in the following.

Sarah is a thirty something, very attractive and successful, professional female. She has been in a relationship for more than a year with a man who is unfaithful, contemptuous and incapable (unable) to make a commitment to her. Yet when he makes “booty calls” late at night, forgets her birthday, or wakes her up repeatedly – she remains available and willing, despite her general unhappiness and frustration over their “relationship”. Why? “I think I mistook great sex for love. I felt this intense chemistry and physical intimacy when we had sex, even though it didn’t offer me anything else. At the time, it left me unhappy and feeling bad for myself.”

John is an attractive, intelligent, 30-year-old male who owns his own successful business. He’s dating a woman he thinks he’s in love with. He knows she’s been out with other men. She cancels dates and is often critical and emotionally distant. She refuses to discuss commitment or take the relationship to the next level. Still, she turns to John for emotional, physical, and financial help whenever she feels she needs it. Why does John keep seeing her? “She’s beautiful and the sex is great. We have such strong physical chemistry. It’s almost like an addiction to me. My friends can’t stand it and even know she’s not really a ‘keeper’ but she is difficult to walk.

These vignettes are great examples of how physical chemistry can be mistaken for the real thing. The attraction on one level is strong, but these are not relationships that have the right elements to grow into happy and satisfying partnerships.

So, what’s missing?

Kahlil Gibran defines it as “spiritual affinity”. It is the hidden element of chemistry. It is when two beings meet and connect on a deeper level. It can only be felt in the heart and soul. It’s about friendship, respect, humor and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come when you’re in their presence.

People often say they find one without the other. This is understandably a cause of great frustration and confusion about who we should choose and why. To better understand this, it is useful to know how and when each facet of chemistry occurs.

Physical attraction (or lust) usually begins during our first contact with someone. It may DEVELOP into something more over time, but some pulls are there from the start. The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenyl ethylamine – or PEA. It is a natural substance in the brain. Essentially, it is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases physical and emotional energy. Attraction leads us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that is released from PEA is dopamine. This chemistry increases the desire to be physically close and intimately connected.

When these chemicals are secreted in larger doses, they send signals from the brain to other organs of the body. If you wonder why you or someone is attracted to the “wrong” person, it may be because you are high on the physical response to these substances, which destroys your ability to use your head and exercise “good judgment and common sense”.

“Spiritual affinity” develops over time and repeated contact. When these feelings begin to emerge, the brain produces endorphins. These are more like morphine and result in an increased sense of calm that reduces anxiety and helps build attachment. When relationships pass through this phase, they are characterized by more comfort, commitment and friendship.

In general, all “soulmate relationships” require at least some measure of each of these. The important thing to remember is that they come in stages, which does not mean that physical attraction passes as one moves into a deeper connection. However, it is changing. We cannot withstand intense emotions as we walk the path of commitment and a shared life. However, in healthy relationships, those moments of intensity can occur for short intervals at intermittent times.

Remember not to confuse great sex or deep friendship with romantic love. Instead, look for a measure of these two in your feelings for another. Because then you have the ingredients that lasting love is made of.

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